Siegecraft!

So, before I begin this epic tale, I must set forth a smallish amount of background:

First, you must know that I work at FedEx Ground. My job is essentially to stand on a tower, watch boxes go by, and sort them by zip code. This is called "sorting." Occasionally, it's called "splitting," but seldom is it called both at the same time. "Splorting"? Seriously, people. No.

Second, you must know that there are only three people who "splort." These folks are Jeff, Brett, and myself. Also, our manager, Rob - but he doesn't count. He has managing to do.

Third, you must meet Jill. Jill is a computerized scanning device that reads the barcode, sorts the box, and says (in an irritating female voice) the chute number we're supposed to send the box to. Jill is new. Brand spankin' new. We were given Jill in an effort to make out work more productive.

Fourth, we hate Jill. We know our load charts. We do not need Jill. Aside from being unnecessary, Jill actually slows us down, since we have to stop and scan boxes before sorting - and then wait for the irritating female voice to inform us that we've just sent the box down the wrong (identical) chute. By this time, whoever is sorting has already sorted five more boxes. In fact, the only reason we use Jill at all is to prove to the company that we use the equipment we've been given. Well done, Jill. We applaud your effort. Now kindly go and die.

Last Friday, Jeff and I were loading in chute 10 (the one that gets all the crap the splitter couldn't get off in time.) Our boss, Rob, came down to ask us if either of us wanted to split, since Brett didn't want to. We both gladly agreed, on condition that Jill first be sent to whatever mechanical hell from which she emerged. When we discovered that Jill was required, we both courteously declined. Having no willing sorters, Rob decided to test Jill's mettle by giving her to Tyler - who does not split. Surely Jill's lilting voice would be enough to get us through the night.

Although we realized that chute 10 was going to be ridiculous that night, Jeff and I decided it was worth the extra box-tossing just to be rid of Jill. As a bonus, Tyler would be doing our job, which was just too funny to pass up.

Monday was much the same; Brett and I were in 10, taking bets on who would crack first, Tyler from splitting or us from taking up his slack. The bet was about a week, and we eventually decided that Rob would crack before any of the four game-players did. The siege began.

And then it ended, quite unexpectedly, today at work. Rob cracked, apparently, much sooner than we thought possible - although I'm sure it helped that Tyler called in sick today. Whether Tyler was actually sick is yet to be determined; I wonder if that counts as him cracking first? Now the unloaders have to use Jill, just to prove she's being used. I am back to the scanner-less, old-fashioned load charts in my head. And chute 10 is back to its normal volume. The war is won. Sweet freaking day.